Goodbye boobs: Two weeks to go!

It is exactly two weeks until my risk-reducing mastectomy. In fact this time in two weeks, if all goes well, I’ll be in recovery. 

As I’ve learnt since my BRCA diagnosis this journey is an immense roller coaster and the last two weeks have been no exception. 

Last Tuesday I had my final appointment with my surgeon. It started the same as it always does, all jokes and brave faces; I think I even made a bad joke about faulty airbags. It was when my surgeon was examining me that the nerves really kicked in. He was explaining to both a medical student and myself about the placement of incisions and scars and it all suddenly felt very scary.

The biggest shock however came at the mention of two-stage surgery. My surgeon let me know that rather than a mastectomy and immediate reconstruction with implants I’d be having a two-stage reconstruction using expanders.

This means that I’ll be having the ‘inside’ of my breasts completely removed and an empty expander implant placed under the skin and chest muscle. Once I’m through the initial recovery, over the space of around six months, these expanders will be gradually injected with saline until they do what it says on the tin: expand.

 

Once I’m happy with the size of the expanded implants I’ll under-go exchange surgery where the expanders are removed and more permanent implants will be inserted.

This news was such a shock to me and although I put on a brave face and a fake smile both my Mum and my breast nurse realised I was struggling with the news. The thought of waking up flat is completely terrifying; the thought of having to live with a flat chest for a period of time is too much to deal with. I was looking forward to starting 2016 with all of this behind me and it’s difficult to accept that it is going to drag into the first six months of next year at least.

In the last week I have come to terms with the new plan and realise that it is the best option for me. The infection rate is lower, the end cosmetic result will be better and the recovery time should be quicker. Having said that the thought of waking up flat or flatter than my current A/B cup is quite upsetting,

As I was getting ready for a girls night out on Friday I had a bit of a meltdown. I had spent an hour on my hair and make-up but as I went through the small dresses in my wardrobe I burst into tears at the thought of wearing them with no boobs. After feeling like my life has been on hold for so long, I feel that it will be on hold for the foreseeable future because I won’t be comfortable with my body.

As I’ve mentioned a few times, I have got an amazing group of people around me offering support. However I have started to realise that no one really understand unless they have been through it themselves. A few people have kindly tried to make me feel better with comments like ‘it’s for the best in the long run’, which I do completely agree with but at the same time I ask any other 27 year old girl to think how they’d feel to live with a completely flat chest, even for only one day.

The nearer surgery gets the more fears I seem to have, but I have not lost my positivity. I’m still very grateful that I’m getting a choice to reduce my breast cancer risk and I’m hoping that afterwards the overwhelming feeling is relief. I won’t nervously check my breasts for lumps everyday and I’ll be able to say ‘I’ll never get breast cancer’. I’m still very excited about reconstructed boobs, even if I have to wait a little longer for them. 

My little Sister Charlotte undergoes her surgery tomorrow and I think I’m actually more scared and nervous about that than my own.

The thought of her being in pain upsets me so much and I know that there is nothing I can do about it. I just keep holding on to the thought that this time next year we'll proudly look back on this as the time we both decided to save our own lives from breast cancer.

Just like I said at the start, I will fight this like a girl and I know Charlotte is too.

I can’t believe it has finally come to this point but… next stop surgery!

Katie x