Goodbye boobs - the countdown has begun.

So it’s official; I will be saying goodbye boobs on November the 25th and honestly I’m so excited!

As you may know (I have mentioned it a few hundred times!) I was pulling my hair out waiting for a surgery date as I felt like someone had pressed pause on my life. But last Tuesday I received the long-awaited call and was told my surgery has been booked for the 25th of November.

I felt tremendous relief that I finally knew when I would be able to say goodbye to these killer breasts, get prepared for surgery and make plans again. Of course there were also very apparent feelings of fear as the whole situation was suddenly extremely real. I realised that I will actually be having a mastectomy; a fact I don’t think had actually sunk in before.  

Right now however I just feel extremely excited! Excited to have the waiting over and to be able to look forward to the future again. I’m excited to see what my new boobs will look like, excited to start recovery and excited to be able to say that I have survived my genetic predisposition for breast cancer. I mean how incredible will it be to be able to say ‘I will never get breast cancer’.

I feel like my surgery and everything that surrounds it has been weighing down on me for so long. It’s a huge weight that I’ve been carrying on my shoulders for over 18 months and the thought of being on the other side of it, of getting back to me, is such a liberating feeling. I’m reminded why I made this decision in the first place and I feel empowered. I was lucky enough to be warned of my fate and I’ve chosen to change it.

The next step takes place next week: I’m meeting my surgeon to discuss the finer details and to be measured by my implants. Having control over what my new boobs will look and feel like is one of the nicer parts of this roller-coaster journey.  

Another thing that will be discussed next week is the possibility of filming my surgery. Through this journey I’ve been trying to raise as much awareness as I possibly can and my surgeon has mentioned that they can film me in the hospital and even in my surgery if I so wish. I will be discussing this with him in more detail next week but it’s another exciting part of my story and I hope that I can use this to raise even more awareness.

Since I found out my surgery date I’ve spent a fortune on new bedding, pillows, new pyjamas, slippers and other comfy items of clothing ready for my few weeks of hibernation. It’s perfect timing with slightly less than six weeks between my surgery date and the New Year. Starting 2016 a fresh will be incredible.

I do realise however that I have got a challenging month coming up. My sister Charlotte has her surgery two weeks before me and I think I may struggle more seeing her go through it than when I go through it myself. I know that my Mum is going to struggle with both of her daughters going through major surgery two weeks apart from each other too.

The important thing is though that however hard the next step is I will get through it and I will come out of it better off. I am surrounding myself with positive people and will be concentrating on my recovery.

The finish line is in sight and I am ready!

Lots of love, Katie x

Warning! Pity party in progress…

I’ve been putting off writing this post because I was really committed to writing a positive, ass-kicking blog to give other ladies in my situation hope. BUT I also promised to write a true and honest account of the highs and lows of my journey, so here it goes… 

This week has been sh*t, really really f***ing sh*t. I’ve had enough of waiting, I’ve had enough of thinking and dreaming about surgery, boobs, scars and cancer, I’ve had enough of being positive and fighting every single second of the day. I’ve had enough of being strong and I want to hide under my duvet forever and pretend I’m not having surgery and I don’t have an stupidly-high risk of developing breast cancer.

There are a few reasons for this massive lack in positivity. The biggest reason is that I was told my surgery would definitely be within 18 weeks and 15 weeks on I am still no nearer to having a surgery date. I am unable to plan anything and I really feel like my whole my life is on hold. I feel like someone has pressed the pause button on my life and that nothing has any point to it at all.

Mastectomy and the single girl

Another reason is that I am now dealing this as a single girl. I haven’t mentioned this in my last few blog posts as I didn’t want it to matter, but the fact is that it does matter. It matters a f***ing lot. Knowing I had a supportive boyfriend that would love me regardless of scarred and numb ‘foobs’, that would hold my hand in the hospital bed, that would bring me chocolate and flowers, that would still fancy me even though sexy lingerie is being swapped for a mastectomy bra. All of that made whole situation a little less awful.

I also feel really guilty that maybe the break-up is my fault, that all of this is making me an unbearable neurotic lunatic.

Break-ups are horrible, dating in your twenties is hard work, the thought of having to explain to someone new why I have scarred boobs that are completely numb, always cold but with nipples that don’t get erect sounds like a nightmare. Add in the fact, that I’ll have to mention, that I’ll be having my ovaries removed before I’m 40 and you start to understand why I’m freaking out.

I know I have incredible friends and family that will be there for me and I appreciate them more than they’ll ever know. But going through this as a newly single girl really really sucks. 

Sibling Rivalry 

Another reason is very hard to talk about because I’m scared I’ll sound like a heartless cow…. my sister has a surgery date. My sister who was planning on having her surgery next year, who hasn’t had the pre-op appointments that I’ve had, who hasn’t been waiting with bated breath, has a surgery date for the 12th of November.

Please don’t misunderstand me here. I’m extremely happy that my sister has a surgery date and that she can start to move on with her life. It goes without saying I will be there for her BUT I feel jealous. YES JEALOUS. How ridiculous is that?!

It’s made me feel like I’ve been forgotten about and it is really distressing me that I am being left waiting. I just want to get on with my life now. I decided to have a double mastectomy 16 months ago and I’m so fed up of it hanging over me like a big black cloud.

This Pity Party is now closed

I DO NOT want pity, sympathy or anyone to feel sorry for me. I do still realise I’m luckier than a lot of ladies (and men) out there and I will pick myself up again. I’m down but not out. I just felt like I owed it to everyone to give an honest account of how I am feeling.

For all of those ladies out there, in a similar situation, going through the same thing and reading my blog for support; I am a not Super Woman. I hate this, I scream, I shout, I cry, I throw things and I threaten to cancel my surgery. None of this means that I am not a strong person, it is all just part of the journey and everyone is allowed to indulge in feeling sorry for themselves occasionally.

My pity-party has now finished. I am pulling myself out of this hole and keeping my fingers crossed that a new week will bring news.

Love Katie x

I'm one 'Tough Mudder'

So after 12 miles and 25 obstacles including tear gas, electrocution, ice water, 10-foot walls and a hell-of-a-lot of mud, I am officially a ‘Tough Mudder’ and it feels incredible!

Why!? Is a question I’ve heard a lot recently from bewildered friends and family wondering why the hell I’d put myself though 12 miles of hell. There are a few reasons why I chose to do Tough Mudder but the main one is that going through the whole BRCA / Mastectomy saga has made me realise I’m a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. 

Another big reason was to raise awareness of my story and to raise funds for the amazing charity Breast Cancer Care.

I realise that without research by such charities we probably wouldn't know as much as we do about genetic breast cancer and I would not have the choice that I do. 

But because there is still a long way to go I will ask you all again to donate using my Just Giving Page: https://www.justgiving.com/Killer-boobs

When faced with difficulty you really do just have two choices: negativity or positivity. I am so blessed that I’ve been able to find the strength to be positive and that I’m surrounded by incredible people that help me every step of the way.

I’m not saying that everyone going through this BRCA journey should don running gear and throw themselves through army obstacles; find what keeps you positive and concentrate on that. For me that just happens to be keeping active and raising awareness. 

And as for my surgery date? I am still (im)patiently waiting but I have learnt to trust the course of life a little more. 

The delay means that I’ve had a great hen weekend in Paris with my best friends, been a bridesmaid and completed Tough Mudder. 

If a little more delay means that I get to have a few more incredible times with my friends and family before my surgery then I am happy with that! 

BRCA Sisterhood

Whilst talking about the positives I have to mention the ‘BRCA Sisterhood’ otherwise known as a group of incredible women that I’ve met during this journey. Some have undergone surgery and others will be soon but what they all have in common is compassion, understanding and strength and I’d consider a few of them friends. Naming only a few of the ladies that have helped me immensely: Claira Hermet, Katie King, Carla Atherton and Katie Cousins (who I wish a lot of love and luck to as she deals with her own battle)