I’m officially a previvor!

Previvor.
noun
1. A person who has survived their predisposition to cancer
2. Me!

(This post contains images of breasts post-surgery)  

It feels amazing to be writing this on the other side of my double mastectomy. The relief and pride that I feel for going through with it and slashing my risk from 87% to under 4% is incredible. Those feelings were intensified today when I received clear test results meaning no cancerous cells were found in my breast tissue. 

The last month has been a turbulent one. My younger sister underwent her mastectomy just two weeks before my surgery and unfortunately suffered complications. A blood clot meant a second emergency operation, the loss of her nipple and a ten day hospital stay. It was terrifying to witness so close to my own mastectomy and awful to see my sister in pain.

The two nights before my surgery I seriously contemplated not going through with it but instead running away and using my time off work to lie on a beach somewhere. I had to remind myself why I made the decision in the first place and force myself to be strong.

On the morning of my surgery the nerves and fear I expected were not there. I was resigned to what was happening and I felt calm and positive. This was helped by the incredible nurses, anaesthetist and surgeon that looked after me.  

After seven hours of waiting in a hospital bed it was suddenly time for my surgery. I never realised that I’d be walking down to theatre and it was the hardest walk of my life. Making myself walk through those doors and climb on to the theatre table, knowing what was about to happen, was terrifying so I was grateful that within two minutes I felt myself peacefully falling asleep under anaesthesia.

Just over three hours later I woke up in recovery and instantly felt relieved that it was over and that I could now say I would never get breast cancer. The surgery went as well as expected and both my skin and my nipples survived. I have been fitted with empty expanders so at the moment I am completely flat chested apart from swelling. Once I have fully recovered I can start the process of expansion and hopefully by the summer my breast reconstruction will be complete.  

There have been ups and downs through my recovery including pain, tears and frustration but it has been a lot easier than I ever expected it would be. Those friends and family that have supported me, looked after me and make me smile have been invaluable and I do feel incredibly proud to now be 13 days into my recovery.

I have good days and bad days, I’m making good progress, and the pain is manageable. I do occasionally get upset about things like the fact that none of my old clothes look nice and I don’t feel comfortable in anything that shows my mastectomy bra or my flat chest.

It’s hard being stuck indoors recovering and not enjoying a normal life. It feels very strange not working, driving or training but I’m trying to remain positive. As soon as I have recovered my life will get back to normal and I can enjoy it free from the risk of breast cancer.

If there is anyone reading my blog that wants more details on the surgery or recovery then please do not hesitate to get in touch.

With love Katie xx

Goodbye boobs: Two weeks to go!

It is exactly two weeks until my risk-reducing mastectomy. In fact this time in two weeks, if all goes well, I’ll be in recovery. 

As I’ve learnt since my BRCA diagnosis this journey is an immense roller coaster and the last two weeks have been no exception. 

Last Tuesday I had my final appointment with my surgeon. It started the same as it always does, all jokes and brave faces; I think I even made a bad joke about faulty airbags. It was when my surgeon was examining me that the nerves really kicked in. He was explaining to both a medical student and myself about the placement of incisions and scars and it all suddenly felt very scary.

The biggest shock however came at the mention of two-stage surgery. My surgeon let me know that rather than a mastectomy and immediate reconstruction with implants I’d be having a two-stage reconstruction using expanders.

This means that I’ll be having the ‘inside’ of my breasts completely removed and an empty expander implant placed under the skin and chest muscle. Once I’m through the initial recovery, over the space of around six months, these expanders will be gradually injected with saline until they do what it says on the tin: expand.

 

Once I’m happy with the size of the expanded implants I’ll under-go exchange surgery where the expanders are removed and more permanent implants will be inserted.

This news was such a shock to me and although I put on a brave face and a fake smile both my Mum and my breast nurse realised I was struggling with the news. The thought of waking up flat is completely terrifying; the thought of having to live with a flat chest for a period of time is too much to deal with. I was looking forward to starting 2016 with all of this behind me and it’s difficult to accept that it is going to drag into the first six months of next year at least.

In the last week I have come to terms with the new plan and realise that it is the best option for me. The infection rate is lower, the end cosmetic result will be better and the recovery time should be quicker. Having said that the thought of waking up flat or flatter than my current A/B cup is quite upsetting,

As I was getting ready for a girls night out on Friday I had a bit of a meltdown. I had spent an hour on my hair and make-up but as I went through the small dresses in my wardrobe I burst into tears at the thought of wearing them with no boobs. After feeling like my life has been on hold for so long, I feel that it will be on hold for the foreseeable future because I won’t be comfortable with my body.

As I’ve mentioned a few times, I have got an amazing group of people around me offering support. However I have started to realise that no one really understand unless they have been through it themselves. A few people have kindly tried to make me feel better with comments like ‘it’s for the best in the long run’, which I do completely agree with but at the same time I ask any other 27 year old girl to think how they’d feel to live with a completely flat chest, even for only one day.

The nearer surgery gets the more fears I seem to have, but I have not lost my positivity. I’m still very grateful that I’m getting a choice to reduce my breast cancer risk and I’m hoping that afterwards the overwhelming feeling is relief. I won’t nervously check my breasts for lumps everyday and I’ll be able to say ‘I’ll never get breast cancer’. I’m still very excited about reconstructed boobs, even if I have to wait a little longer for them. 

My little Sister Charlotte undergoes her surgery tomorrow and I think I’m actually more scared and nervous about that than my own.

The thought of her being in pain upsets me so much and I know that there is nothing I can do about it. I just keep holding on to the thought that this time next year we'll proudly look back on this as the time we both decided to save our own lives from breast cancer.

Just like I said at the start, I will fight this like a girl and I know Charlotte is too.

I can’t believe it has finally come to this point but… next stop surgery!

Katie x

Goodbye boobs - the countdown has begun.

So it’s official; I will be saying goodbye boobs on November the 25th and honestly I’m so excited!

As you may know (I have mentioned it a few hundred times!) I was pulling my hair out waiting for a surgery date as I felt like someone had pressed pause on my life. But last Tuesday I received the long-awaited call and was told my surgery has been booked for the 25th of November.

I felt tremendous relief that I finally knew when I would be able to say goodbye to these killer breasts, get prepared for surgery and make plans again. Of course there were also very apparent feelings of fear as the whole situation was suddenly extremely real. I realised that I will actually be having a mastectomy; a fact I don’t think had actually sunk in before.  

Right now however I just feel extremely excited! Excited to have the waiting over and to be able to look forward to the future again. I’m excited to see what my new boobs will look like, excited to start recovery and excited to be able to say that I have survived my genetic predisposition for breast cancer. I mean how incredible will it be to be able to say ‘I will never get breast cancer’.

I feel like my surgery and everything that surrounds it has been weighing down on me for so long. It’s a huge weight that I’ve been carrying on my shoulders for over 18 months and the thought of being on the other side of it, of getting back to me, is such a liberating feeling. I’m reminded why I made this decision in the first place and I feel empowered. I was lucky enough to be warned of my fate and I’ve chosen to change it.

The next step takes place next week: I’m meeting my surgeon to discuss the finer details and to be measured by my implants. Having control over what my new boobs will look and feel like is one of the nicer parts of this roller-coaster journey.  

Another thing that will be discussed next week is the possibility of filming my surgery. Through this journey I’ve been trying to raise as much awareness as I possibly can and my surgeon has mentioned that they can film me in the hospital and even in my surgery if I so wish. I will be discussing this with him in more detail next week but it’s another exciting part of my story and I hope that I can use this to raise even more awareness.

Since I found out my surgery date I’ve spent a fortune on new bedding, pillows, new pyjamas, slippers and other comfy items of clothing ready for my few weeks of hibernation. It’s perfect timing with slightly less than six weeks between my surgery date and the New Year. Starting 2016 a fresh will be incredible.

I do realise however that I have got a challenging month coming up. My sister Charlotte has her surgery two weeks before me and I think I may struggle more seeing her go through it than when I go through it myself. I know that my Mum is going to struggle with both of her daughters going through major surgery two weeks apart from each other too.

The important thing is though that however hard the next step is I will get through it and I will come out of it better off. I am surrounding myself with positive people and will be concentrating on my recovery.

The finish line is in sight and I am ready!

Lots of love, Katie x

Warning! Pity party in progress…

I’ve been putting off writing this post because I was really committed to writing a positive, ass-kicking blog to give other ladies in my situation hope. BUT I also promised to write a true and honest account of the highs and lows of my journey, so here it goes… 

This week has been sh*t, really really f***ing sh*t. I’ve had enough of waiting, I’ve had enough of thinking and dreaming about surgery, boobs, scars and cancer, I’ve had enough of being positive and fighting every single second of the day. I’ve had enough of being strong and I want to hide under my duvet forever and pretend I’m not having surgery and I don’t have an stupidly-high risk of developing breast cancer.

There are a few reasons for this massive lack in positivity. The biggest reason is that I was told my surgery would definitely be within 18 weeks and 15 weeks on I am still no nearer to having a surgery date. I am unable to plan anything and I really feel like my whole my life is on hold. I feel like someone has pressed the pause button on my life and that nothing has any point to it at all.

Mastectomy and the single girl

Another reason is that I am now dealing this as a single girl. I haven’t mentioned this in my last few blog posts as I didn’t want it to matter, but the fact is that it does matter. It matters a f***ing lot. Knowing I had a supportive boyfriend that would love me regardless of scarred and numb ‘foobs’, that would hold my hand in the hospital bed, that would bring me chocolate and flowers, that would still fancy me even though sexy lingerie is being swapped for a mastectomy bra. All of that made whole situation a little less awful.

I also feel really guilty that maybe the break-up is my fault, that all of this is making me an unbearable neurotic lunatic.

Break-ups are horrible, dating in your twenties is hard work, the thought of having to explain to someone new why I have scarred boobs that are completely numb, always cold but with nipples that don’t get erect sounds like a nightmare. Add in the fact, that I’ll have to mention, that I’ll be having my ovaries removed before I’m 40 and you start to understand why I’m freaking out.

I know I have incredible friends and family that will be there for me and I appreciate them more than they’ll ever know. But going through this as a newly single girl really really sucks. 

Sibling Rivalry 

Another reason is very hard to talk about because I’m scared I’ll sound like a heartless cow…. my sister has a surgery date. My sister who was planning on having her surgery next year, who hasn’t had the pre-op appointments that I’ve had, who hasn’t been waiting with bated breath, has a surgery date for the 12th of November.

Please don’t misunderstand me here. I’m extremely happy that my sister has a surgery date and that she can start to move on with her life. It goes without saying I will be there for her BUT I feel jealous. YES JEALOUS. How ridiculous is that?!

It’s made me feel like I’ve been forgotten about and it is really distressing me that I am being left waiting. I just want to get on with my life now. I decided to have a double mastectomy 16 months ago and I’m so fed up of it hanging over me like a big black cloud.

This Pity Party is now closed

I DO NOT want pity, sympathy or anyone to feel sorry for me. I do still realise I’m luckier than a lot of ladies (and men) out there and I will pick myself up again. I’m down but not out. I just felt like I owed it to everyone to give an honest account of how I am feeling.

For all of those ladies out there, in a similar situation, going through the same thing and reading my blog for support; I am a not Super Woman. I hate this, I scream, I shout, I cry, I throw things and I threaten to cancel my surgery. None of this means that I am not a strong person, it is all just part of the journey and everyone is allowed to indulge in feeling sorry for themselves occasionally.

My pity-party has now finished. I am pulling myself out of this hole and keeping my fingers crossed that a new week will bring news.

Love Katie x

I'm one 'Tough Mudder'

So after 12 miles and 25 obstacles including tear gas, electrocution, ice water, 10-foot walls and a hell-of-a-lot of mud, I am officially a ‘Tough Mudder’ and it feels incredible!

Why!? Is a question I’ve heard a lot recently from bewildered friends and family wondering why the hell I’d put myself though 12 miles of hell. There are a few reasons why I chose to do Tough Mudder but the main one is that going through the whole BRCA / Mastectomy saga has made me realise I’m a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. 

Another big reason was to raise awareness of my story and to raise funds for the amazing charity Breast Cancer Care.

I realise that without research by such charities we probably wouldn't know as much as we do about genetic breast cancer and I would not have the choice that I do. 

But because there is still a long way to go I will ask you all again to donate using my Just Giving Page: https://www.justgiving.com/Killer-boobs

When faced with difficulty you really do just have two choices: negativity or positivity. I am so blessed that I’ve been able to find the strength to be positive and that I’m surrounded by incredible people that help me every step of the way.

I’m not saying that everyone going through this BRCA journey should don running gear and throw themselves through army obstacles; find what keeps you positive and concentrate on that. For me that just happens to be keeping active and raising awareness. 

And as for my surgery date? I am still (im)patiently waiting but I have learnt to trust the course of life a little more. 

The delay means that I’ve had a great hen weekend in Paris with my best friends, been a bridesmaid and completed Tough Mudder. 

If a little more delay means that I get to have a few more incredible times with my friends and family before my surgery then I am happy with that! 

BRCA Sisterhood

Whilst talking about the positives I have to mention the ‘BRCA Sisterhood’ otherwise known as a group of incredible women that I’ve met during this journey. Some have undergone surgery and others will be soon but what they all have in common is compassion, understanding and strength and I’d consider a few of them friends. Naming only a few of the ladies that have helped me immensely: Claira Hermet, Katie King, Carla Atherton and Katie Cousins (who I wish a lot of love and luck to as she deals with her own battle)

It's in the family

The problem with having a genetic cancer risk is that, well, it is genetic and therefore in the family. For many, by the time they are diagnosed with the BRCA gene mutation their lives have already been touched by breast or ovarian cancer.  

For me the first time I thought about breast cancer was when my half-sister Melissa was diagnosed at just 30 back in 2010. A year later, at just 48, my Mum was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer after finding two lumps in her breast.

Looking back on the period that my Mum was suffering, all I can remember is a blur of chemotherapy appointments and hospital visits. Surprisingly I also remember a lot of laughter as we tried to keep spirits up and I have a hilarious picture of my baby niece wearing my mum’s long dark wig.

One thing that I do not remember however is the word ‘genetic’ as the doctors never suggested their cancers could be linked. Breast cancer is now unfortunately a common disease with 1 in 8 UK women being diagnosed in their lifetime so too often it is seen as ‘bad luck’ and not because of a genetic predisposition.

Both beautiful brave ladies are both now in remission from the illness but it wasn’t until four years after Melissa was tested that we even heard the phrase ‘BRCA’. That is four years that we were unaware of the risk we all had of developing breast cancer. It also means that both Melissa and my Mum have been left with one healthy but at risk breast and face further decisions about their future. Very unfair given the extent of surgery and treatment they’ve both already endured. 

Fast-forward to today and we know that Melissa, my Mum, my younger sister Charlotte and myself all carry the BRCA2 gene mutation.

I’ve spoken a lot about how I’m handling the news and my risk. I’m going full steam ahead with a full double mastectomy and I’m trying to raise as much awareness as I can along the way. BUT I am not saying that is the only or even the best way to deal with the situation; it is just what works best for me. I wanted to talk a little about my Sister Charlotte to give another perspective to the story.

Charlotte is now 24 and found out that she had the BRCA2 mutation a couple of weeks before I found out my news. She was very much the force behind arranging testing for her and I, after we found out our Mum tested positive. She handled the news amazingly and seeing my younger sister be so strong really helped me to be strong about both her news and my own news.

Charlotte has two lovely kiddies, my niece Lillie (5) and my nephew Josh (2) and her focus has always been very much about her young family. I know that she wanted to find out her risk to ensure she can pro-long her life for the children and know more about the genes she may have passed down to them.

She has been through a lot of the same counselling sessions, meetings and appointments that I have and has decided to postpone her surgery until 2016/2017 as she would just struggle too much to look after the kids (especially a very boisterous toddler) at the same time as under-going major surgery. At 24 she is also very young meaning her risk is lower at present (it increases with age).

 Her surgery will also differ greatly to mine. She has decided to opt for the TRAM flap reconstruction that means that her breasts will be reconstructed from abdominal tissue. The surgery can be a much more serious operation as it means there are two wound sites but can provide a much more natural feel and shape to the breasts

I know that in the future she plans to be very open with Lillie and Josh about the genetic risk and very supportive if either want to be tested for the gene mutation when they’re older. For now though she is putting all thoughts of surgery on the back burner and concentrating on family life. She has been very open with friends and family about the diagnoses but hasn’t been very vocal about it to a wider audience, which I completely respect.

As for me, I have now completed my pre-surgery assessment and been approved for surgery. My operation will likely take place in October although an actual date is yet to be confirmed.

I’ll also be taking part in Tough Mudder on September the 27^th to raise awareness and funds for Breast Cancer Care. If anyone could spare a little to sponsor me it would mean the world to me: https://www.justgiving.com/Killer-boobs

Hopefully next time you here from me I’ll have a date to have these killer boobs removed!

With love, Katie 

Fight like a girl, wait like a lady!

Waiting, waiting, waiting. Since my last post a couple of weeks ago it seems that all I’ve been doing is waiting and it’s absolute torture!

At my big meeting I was told to expect a surgery date in September but six weeks of eagerly checking the post box later, I still do not have a surgery date. This is leaving me in a very unsettled state of limbo.

Some of you may wonder why I’m so anxious to get a date for this serious and unpleasant operation but for me this whole experience has been about choice and being empowered by that choice. I’ve made the decision to take control of my destiny and prevent breast cancer, I’m ready and waiting for this next step but I’ve got no control over when it is going to happen.

I phoned the hospital this week pleading for an update and was left a little distressed by the response. They’ve basically forgotten to plan in my MRI scan which I was told was necessary to check that cancer isn’t already present in my breasts prior to surgery taking place. As there is an eight-week waiting list for this scan they’ve now decided that it’s not worth delaying surgery for the MRI; as I’m under 30 the risk of cancer being present is too low apparently. This seems very strange to me, as the risk of cancer is high enough for a mastectomy!

They’ve now said to expect a surgery date in September, October or November and I may only get two week’s notice. This means that now I feel like the next three months are on hold and it’s one of the worst things about the whole situation so far.

I’m a planner and planning is necessary for me to feel settled especially whilst going through something as big as this. I’m a 27-year-old girl with a hectic social life and busy career and at present I’m finding myself half-heartedly agreeing to plans and not looking forward to anything because I simply do not know when I’ll be ‘out of action’. This whole experience has been a massive roller coaster of emotions and I’m not going to lie, the last few weeks I’ve been really struggling. I’d stopped training at the gym and started comfort eating, my stress levels have been really high and I’ve felt everything is a just a bit pointless.

Another emotion I’ve been feeling hugely is guilt; guilty for feeling sorry for myself and getting upset about trivial things like making plans when so many women don’t even have a choice. Too many women get breast cancer and their life is instantly put on hold until they survive it or tragically die from the illness. I realise that this guilt is destructive and I’m digging deep to keep positive. I need to remind myself that I’m going through a massive life-changing event and I am allowed to feel down and scared.

I’ve had to try very hard this week but my eating and training is back on track and I’m concentrating on all of the positive things that have come out of this situation.

One of those positives is the amazing response that I’ve had from my blog and I’m amazed at the way that cancer brings people together. Women I’ve never met have given me the most fantastic support online by bravely sharing their stories and going out of their way to help me through. I continue to receive messages of admiration and encouragement from so many people and my story is being featured on ITV Anglia News next week.  

The reason I’m sharing the ups and downs of my emotions is because I hope that it will help someone going through something similar. Yes us BRCA girls are lucky that we don’t have breast cancer and that we have warning but it is still a massive deal and really really crap! We’re allowed to cry, scream and feel hard done by at times.  

Having said that positive thinking is very underrated for what it can achieve and I really am going to try my hardest to continue to fight, train, laugh and smile my way through this, with a positive outlook, even if that means just waiting.

#Fightlikeagirl 

OMG so I’m like totally getting new boobs!

“Great! Now I can have the boobies I've always wanted.” Said no woman having a mastectomy ever, preventative or otherwise.

Now you may think I may be stating the obvious here, especially if you've undergone a mastectomy or know someone that has, but sadly this actually seems to be a common misconception.

Quite a lot of people have said to me ‘at least you’ll get new boobs’ which I guess is basically true, if all goes well with my reconstruction. I think the main issue though is that people seem to be missing the obvious; I’m having a mastectomy, an operation to remove my breasts, not a ‘boob job’. The two are very different things.

Most people that have said the comment to me are friends or people close to me and I know they only have my best intentions at heart. Granted it is a hard subject to talk about and many want to comment on the bright side or make it a little cheerier to discuss and for this I forgive them.

However there are those people out there that seem quite ignorant on the subject and I guess that this is fair enough if you’ve been lucky enough to never had to deal with breast cancer or a mastectomy before. All that I ask is that if you are addressing someone going through a mastectomy (preventative or because of cancer - it’s awful for everyone) then you do even a little research.

I've been trying to increase the profile of blog as much as possible to raise awareness of genetic breast cancer. I’ve been in touch with many local press titles and a few national women’s titles, 99% of them have been nothing but kind and supportive, with two even agreeing to publish my blog on monthly basis and with a local TV news channel also being interested.

It is the attitude of one editor however that has prompted me to write this post. He who shall remain nameless to save him some embarrassment emailed me the following question:
(This is a direct quote)

“So medically speaking, you’ve been ADVISED that this procedure needs to happen. Now it’s not the BEST news in the world, granted.
But….is there a tiny part of you in the back of your mind that’s thought, ‘Great! Now I can have the boobies I’ve always wanted.”

It actually amazes me that an editor of a magazine with a reported readership of 10,000 a week could be so small-minded. Perhaps he was trying to be a little tongue-in-cheek or maybe he genuinely was that naïve but the result was quite hurtful to a 27 year old girl who is having her boobs removed. I’m publishing my reply with the hope that it may clear up a few misconceptions:

Hi ##

Don't worry, no offence taken. I've read your magazine so I feel I know somewhat how your mind works. This is actually a common misconception amongst those not in the know.

The short answer is no. The long answer is that my boobs will be left scarred, numb and unable to ever breast feed. My existing breast tissue will be shaved away from my skin and nipple. There's a moderate chance my nipples won't survive the operation and slightly lower chance that the reconstruction will fail and I'll be left with nothing there at all.

If the reconstruction does goes well then I will be left with implants but my boobs will be the same size or smaller than they are now as there won't be any tissue to support them. Most nerve tissue will also be removed so they won't have any sensation and they'll also be cold all of the time as they'll ultimately be completely silicone with a skin covering. I hope this has answered some of the questions your wandering mind has and please don't be scared to ask if you have any more.

Best wishes, Katie

P.s 'the boobies I've always wanted' are ones that aren't trying to kill me! x

I should add that I’ve since received a full apology and I really hope that he’s one person that has learnt a little about what me and a lot of other women are going through.

Anyone that knows me or has been reading my blog will realise that I am trying to be as positive as possible about this whole experience and it pains me to write a slightly more negative post, however I feel in this case it was necessary. I’m undergoing my mastectomy to prevent an illness, which I know is much worse that anything I'll be going through as I listed in my reply, and for that I do still feel extremely lucky. I won’t be one of the 1000 women that die a month in the UK from breast cancer. So I will continue to fight like a girl.

Next stop, MRI…


With love, Katie x  

Killer boobies- it's on!

September: the start of autumn, the month of my best friend’s wedding, my crazy Tough Mudder challenge and a full double mastectomy...hold up! What?

For those of you that know me or have been reading my blog you’ll know I’ve been planning to have preventative surgery around November time, however, this all changed last week when I was informed by my breast cancer care nurse that it’ll likely take place in early September.

‘The big appointment’

Last Tuesday was the day I’d been waiting for for some time, the day of my surgery planning appointment.

Over the last year I’ve met with genetic counsellors, psychologists, nurses, general surgeons and plastic surgeons. Last month they discussed my case at a management meeting and at this appointment I was going to find out whether my case would be moving forward.

As I sat in the breast cancer clinic waiting room I was very aware that once again I was the youngest and healthiest in the room with most ladies obviously suffering from breast cancer. It’s an odd feeling and sometimes I do feel like I don’t belong there and I wonder if this is how a lot of BRCA+ ladies feel.

As I was called into the consultation room I felt a sudden rush of panic and tears flood to my eyes, I’m normally so positive about the situation but there’s something about being in that clinic that brings it all home with a crash. I was very happy that my supportive boyfriend was there to hold my hand and I’d pulled it together by the time I shook hands with my surgeon.

Within five minutes my surgeon had informed me that my case had been voted for with a resounding yes and my surgery would be taking place. This was very much expected as there’s no reason why it shouldn’t go ahead. I’m young, fit and healthy, of sound mind (if you don’t ask my ex-boyfriends!) and well, my boobs are trying to kill me.

I swiftly signed the consent forms and tried not to focus on the list of possible complications listed such as loss of the nipples, reconstruction failure and rejection of the implants. The conversation then turned to dates and I was quite taken aback when I found out the most likely date would be early September, or at the latest, early October.  This is a lot sooner than I was expecting and I felt a mix of emotions; I felt scared as it now felt very real but I was also relieved as the sooner its done, the sooner I can start my recovery and the rest of my life without that 86% risk hanging over my head.

After the meeting with my surgeon it was time to have my photos taken, which turned out to be one of the most awkward but comedic experiences of my life. As I walked into the ‘clinical photography unit’, which is a surreal mix of a hospital consultation room and a photography studio, I was greeted by a young man in his early twenties. I gave him a slip of paper, that was basically a diagram of a women’s anatomy with a big circle around the boobs, and things instantly turned awkward. This was quite an odd situation for me but the poor guy seemed more nervous than I did. I was told to undress from the waist up and stand on the ‘x’.

I then had to pose for a variety of photographs with my hands behind my back or above my head as Dr Awkward zoomed in on my boobs. He was very quiet and nervous but I struggled not to laugh as all I could see behind him was my boyfriend sitting there eating blueberries one by one as if he were watching a very awkward comedy or the start of a very bad porn film! I’m so grateful that he’s been there to hold my hand throughout this process but the comedic relief he provided that appointment was exactly what I needed and after I got dressed and left the room we laughed the whole way down the corridor.

I’m now booked in for the last three stages before my surgery can take place: an anaesthetic assessment, an appointment where I’ll be measured for implants and a   MRI scan. The MRI is to ensure that there isn’t cancer already present in the breasts before surgery  which is something that has to be checked when I’m living with a very real 86% risk.

September was due to be a very big month for me with a hen weekend, being a bridesmaid for my best friend and taking part in Tough Mudder so I am really hoping that my appointment does come through for October so that none of that is disrupted. At the same time however I really want it done and over with as quickly as is possible.

Waiting for a date does feel a little like torture at the moment, especially for a planner like me. I hate not knowing if I’ll be able to attend my best friend’s hen weekend or whether my Tough Mudder training is all in vain but whatever happens I know I’ll get through it. My boyfriend, friends, family and colleagues have all be fantastically supportive and understanding and I know whatever happens that I’m ready to deal with it head on and fight like a girl.  

Life saving surgery vs.vanity.

I'm lucky; maybe not winning the lottery, being married to Channing Tatum kind-of- lucky, but I am lucky.

I've been given a warning that I have an 86% chance of developing breast cancer in my lifetime and I will be undergoing a double mastectomy to reduce my risk to around 4%. The surgery could save my life and I’ll be able to say I will never get breast cancer: how many women would kill to be able to say that? So I shouldn't really be worrying about what I’ll look like…right?

I think vanity is a pretty normal thing for most people, 27-year-old Essex girls especially. I work hard at the gym, I watch what I eat, I have my nails done, I colour my hair and I probably spend too much money on make-up, clothes and shoes. I take pride in my appearance and shamelessly so. So why do I feel so guilty about worrying what my boobs are going to look like?

The reality is I will be undergoing a double mastectomy with reconstruction using implants. I will have scars, there is a moderate possibility I’ll lose my nipples and there is even a small chance that the reconstruction will fail and I’ll be left without any breasts at all. I'm not going to lie, all of that scares the crap out of me!

I attended my local BRA (Breast Reconstruction Awareness) group in February, which is basically a show and tell by extremely brave women who have gone through breast re-construction. As I walked in to the hospital room I felt frightened for the first time since hearing the news I’m BRCA2+.

Around 10 ladies were standing there showing their re-constructed breasts and talking about their experiences of surgery and recovery. Don’t get me wrong here these women were all beautiful and strong, but; and I'm going to brutally honest when I say this, I was really upset at the thought that my boobs would look the way theirs did. Not only was I scared and upset but I then felt extremely guilty for being so shallow.

I spoke in length to many of the women; most had battled cancer for years. One lovely lady told me the worst thing about her recovery was not being able to pick up her children for weeks. I can only imagine how distressing that was for her however; for me, one of my biggest worries is not being able to train at the gym for possibly months after my surgery. When I admitted this to her, she gave me what I can only describe as a look of utter disbelief and disgust. I left that meeting feeling scared, silly and very superficial. For a few weeks I seriously considered postponing my surgery to a time in my life where maybe I wasn't so selfish and didn't care so much about my appearance and lifestyle.

Since that day I have realised that maybe I was being a bit hard on myself. Routine and priorities are personal and relative. My lifestyle will be severely disrupted due to my surgery and I should not feel guilty about being sad about that.

When I talk to people I know about my surgery or share my fears about what they’ll look like post-mastectomy, the response is almost always ‘at least you get new ones’. Yes that is true, I will be having a reconstruction but they will look scarred and different to what I'm used to. I have realised that it is okay to have these fears and worries and that it does not mean that I am vain. I want anyone else in the same situation to not feel alone in these fears and to be able to relate to this blog.

I view myself as lucky. I'm a hell of a lot luckier than those women than don’t get a warning and have to battle cancer instead. But I am still a normal 27-year-old girl and I still have the same fears and concerns as every other 27-year-old girl and I should not feel guilty about that.

So for now I'm going to keep positive, continue to raise awareness, keep fighting and hopefully not be so hard on myself. F you breast cancer, F you 86% chance, you’re not winning this one.

So my boobs are trying to kill me...

I'll start my story on a hot summer's day last July. I'd gone alone to my appointment at Broomfield Hospital's Breast Clinic as I wasn't feeling too concerned about my results. As Emma, the genetic counsellor, delivered the results that I had tested positive for the BRCA2 gene mutation I didn't really know how to react. In fact it's taken nearly a year to know how I feel about it enough to start this blog.

For me, being told I have the BRCA2 gene mutation feels a bit like a half-diagnosis. Yes it does mean that I have an 86% chance of developing breast cancer and over a 40% chance of developing ovarian cancer but day to day it doesn't actually change anything. I'm not ill. I'm not sick. I don't have cancer. I don't want sympathy and ultimately the only thing that has changed is my knowledge of my risk, which I now view as an incredibly good thing.

I think my family's history with breast cancer is a big reason for my lack of panic over my diagnosis. My half-sister was diagnosed in 2010 aged just 30 and a year later my Mum was diagnosed aged 48. Both went through gruelling surgeries, chemotherapy and radiotherapy and suffered greatly through their battles with the disease but happily both are now safety in remission. I think that seeing both my half-sister and Mum survive breast cancer it means to me that I don't automatically view it as a death sentence, although I do realise there are many who aren't as lucky.

The Jolie Gene

Google 'BRCA' or 'breast cancer gene' and you'll undoubtedly find hundreds of articles on Angelina Jolie. I love Angelina and admire greatly what she has done to raise awareness. She's gorgeous, strong and positive but she's hardly someone you can call up for a chat and discuss her fears about Brad seeing her post-mastectomy body. That's one of the reasons why I'm writing this blog.

I hope that by putting my feelings, thoughts and fears out there I help someone else going through the same thing. I'm 27, I'm a bit vain, I have a good career, I'm in a very new relationship, I'm worried what I'll look like in a bikini after my surgery, will it affect my sex-life, will today be the day I feel a lump, will I still feel feminine? I don't have all the answers but if my blog brings a smile to just one person going through something similar then that would make me so happy.

Fight like a girl

Nearly a year on from my news and I'm actually feeling very positive. 1000 women a month die from breast cancer in the UK alone and I'm very lucky that I have been given this warning. I have a choice to save my life before I'm even diagnosed and for that reason I will be undergoing a full double mastectomy in around 6 months time.

Cancer is such a horrible spiteful illness and makes us all feel powerless. The fact that I have a choice makes me feel so empowered. I'm one of the lucky ones and I'm going to fight this like a girl.