At my big meeting I was told to expect a surgery date in
September but six weeks of eagerly checking the post box later, I still do not
have a surgery date. This is leaving me in a very unsettled state of limbo.
Some of you may wonder why I’m so anxious to get a date for
this serious and unpleasant operation but for me this whole experience has been
about choice and being empowered by that choice. I’ve made the decision to take
control of my destiny and prevent breast cancer, I’m ready and waiting for this
next step but I’ve got no control over when it is going to happen.
I phoned the hospital this week pleading for an update and
was left a little distressed by the response. They’ve basically forgotten to
plan in my MRI scan which I was told was necessary to check that cancer isn’t
already present in my breasts prior to surgery taking place. As there is an
eight-week waiting list for this scan they’ve now decided that it’s not worth
delaying surgery for the MRI; as I’m under 30 the risk of cancer being present
is too low apparently. This seems very strange to me, as the risk of cancer is
high enough for a mastectomy!
They’ve now said to expect a surgery date in September,
October or November and I may only get two week’s notice. This means that now I
feel like the next three months are on hold and it’s one of the worst things
about the whole situation so far.
I’m a planner and planning is necessary for me to feel
settled especially whilst going through something as big as this. I’m a
27-year-old girl with a hectic social life and busy career and at present I’m
finding myself half-heartedly agreeing to plans and not looking forward to
anything because I simply do not know when I’ll be ‘out of action’. This whole
experience has been a massive roller coaster of emotions and I’m not going to
lie, the last few weeks I’ve been really struggling. I’d stopped training at the
gym and started comfort eating, my stress levels have been really high and I’ve
felt everything is a just a bit pointless.
Another emotion I’ve been feeling hugely is guilt; guilty
for feeling sorry for myself and getting upset about trivial things like making
plans when so many women don’t even have a choice. Too many women get breast
cancer and their life is instantly put on hold until they survive it or
tragically die from the illness. I realise that this guilt is destructive and
I’m digging deep to keep positive. I need to remind myself that I’m going
through a massive life-changing event and I am allowed to feel down and scared.
I’ve had to try very hard this week but my eating and
training is back on track and I’m concentrating on all of the positive things
that have come out of this situation.
One of those positives is the amazing response that I’ve had
from my blog and I’m amazed at the way that cancer brings people together.
Women I’ve never met have given me the most fantastic support online by bravely
sharing their stories and going out of their way to help me through. I continue
to receive messages of admiration and encouragement from so many people and my
story is being featured on ITV Anglia News next week.
The reason I’m sharing the ups and downs of my emotions is
because I hope that it will help someone going through something similar. Yes
us BRCA girls are lucky that we don’t have breast cancer and that we have warning
but it is still a massive deal and really really crap! We’re allowed to cry,
scream and feel hard done by at times.
Having said that positive thinking is very underrated for
what it can achieve and I really am going to try my hardest to continue to
fight, train, laugh and smile my way through this, with a positive outlook,
even if that means just waiting.
#Fightlikeagirl
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