Life saving surgery vs.vanity.

I'm lucky; maybe not winning the lottery, being married to Channing Tatum kind-of- lucky, but I am lucky.

I've been given a warning that I have an 86% chance of developing breast cancer in my lifetime and I will be undergoing a double mastectomy to reduce my risk to around 4%. The surgery could save my life and I’ll be able to say I will never get breast cancer: how many women would kill to be able to say that? So I shouldn't really be worrying about what I’ll look like…right?

I think vanity is a pretty normal thing for most people, 27-year-old Essex girls especially. I work hard at the gym, I watch what I eat, I have my nails done, I colour my hair and I probably spend too much money on make-up, clothes and shoes. I take pride in my appearance and shamelessly so. So why do I feel so guilty about worrying what my boobs are going to look like?

The reality is I will be undergoing a double mastectomy with reconstruction using implants. I will have scars, there is a moderate possibility I’ll lose my nipples and there is even a small chance that the reconstruction will fail and I’ll be left without any breasts at all. I'm not going to lie, all of that scares the crap out of me!

I attended my local BRA (Breast Reconstruction Awareness) group in February, which is basically a show and tell by extremely brave women who have gone through breast re-construction. As I walked in to the hospital room I felt frightened for the first time since hearing the news I’m BRCA2+.

Around 10 ladies were standing there showing their re-constructed breasts and talking about their experiences of surgery and recovery. Don’t get me wrong here these women were all beautiful and strong, but; and I'm going to brutally honest when I say this, I was really upset at the thought that my boobs would look the way theirs did. Not only was I scared and upset but I then felt extremely guilty for being so shallow.

I spoke in length to many of the women; most had battled cancer for years. One lovely lady told me the worst thing about her recovery was not being able to pick up her children for weeks. I can only imagine how distressing that was for her however; for me, one of my biggest worries is not being able to train at the gym for possibly months after my surgery. When I admitted this to her, she gave me what I can only describe as a look of utter disbelief and disgust. I left that meeting feeling scared, silly and very superficial. For a few weeks I seriously considered postponing my surgery to a time in my life where maybe I wasn't so selfish and didn't care so much about my appearance and lifestyle.

Since that day I have realised that maybe I was being a bit hard on myself. Routine and priorities are personal and relative. My lifestyle will be severely disrupted due to my surgery and I should not feel guilty about being sad about that.

When I talk to people I know about my surgery or share my fears about what they’ll look like post-mastectomy, the response is almost always ‘at least you get new ones’. Yes that is true, I will be having a reconstruction but they will look scarred and different to what I'm used to. I have realised that it is okay to have these fears and worries and that it does not mean that I am vain. I want anyone else in the same situation to not feel alone in these fears and to be able to relate to this blog.

I view myself as lucky. I'm a hell of a lot luckier than those women than don’t get a warning and have to battle cancer instead. But I am still a normal 27-year-old girl and I still have the same fears and concerns as every other 27-year-old girl and I should not feel guilty about that.

So for now I'm going to keep positive, continue to raise awareness, keep fighting and hopefully not be so hard on myself. F you breast cancer, F you 86% chance, you’re not winning this one.

So my boobs are trying to kill me...

I'll start my story on a hot summer's day last July. I'd gone alone to my appointment at Broomfield Hospital's Breast Clinic as I wasn't feeling too concerned about my results. As Emma, the genetic counsellor, delivered the results that I had tested positive for the BRCA2 gene mutation I didn't really know how to react. In fact it's taken nearly a year to know how I feel about it enough to start this blog.

For me, being told I have the BRCA2 gene mutation feels a bit like a half-diagnosis. Yes it does mean that I have an 86% chance of developing breast cancer and over a 40% chance of developing ovarian cancer but day to day it doesn't actually change anything. I'm not ill. I'm not sick. I don't have cancer. I don't want sympathy and ultimately the only thing that has changed is my knowledge of my risk, which I now view as an incredibly good thing.

I think my family's history with breast cancer is a big reason for my lack of panic over my diagnosis. My half-sister was diagnosed in 2010 aged just 30 and a year later my Mum was diagnosed aged 48. Both went through gruelling surgeries, chemotherapy and radiotherapy and suffered greatly through their battles with the disease but happily both are now safety in remission. I think that seeing both my half-sister and Mum survive breast cancer it means to me that I don't automatically view it as a death sentence, although I do realise there are many who aren't as lucky.

The Jolie Gene

Google 'BRCA' or 'breast cancer gene' and you'll undoubtedly find hundreds of articles on Angelina Jolie. I love Angelina and admire greatly what she has done to raise awareness. She's gorgeous, strong and positive but she's hardly someone you can call up for a chat and discuss her fears about Brad seeing her post-mastectomy body. That's one of the reasons why I'm writing this blog.

I hope that by putting my feelings, thoughts and fears out there I help someone else going through the same thing. I'm 27, I'm a bit vain, I have a good career, I'm in a very new relationship, I'm worried what I'll look like in a bikini after my surgery, will it affect my sex-life, will today be the day I feel a lump, will I still feel feminine? I don't have all the answers but if my blog brings a smile to just one person going through something similar then that would make me so happy.

Fight like a girl

Nearly a year on from my news and I'm actually feeling very positive. 1000 women a month die from breast cancer in the UK alone and I'm very lucky that I have been given this warning. I have a choice to save my life before I'm even diagnosed and for that reason I will be undergoing a full double mastectomy in around 6 months time.

Cancer is such a horrible spiteful illness and makes us all feel powerless. The fact that I have a choice makes me feel so empowered. I'm one of the lucky ones and I'm going to fight this like a girl.