I'm lucky; maybe not winning the lottery, being married to
Channing Tatum kind-of- lucky, but I am lucky.
I've been given a warning that I have an 86% chance of
developing breast cancer in my lifetime and I will be undergoing a double
mastectomy to reduce my risk to around 4%. The surgery could save my life and
I’ll be able to say I will never get breast cancer: how many women would kill
to be able to say that? So I shouldn't really be worrying about what I’ll look
like…right?
I think vanity is a pretty normal thing for most people,
27-year-old Essex girls especially. I work hard at the gym, I watch what I eat,
I have my nails done, I colour my hair and I probably spend too much money on
make-up, clothes and shoes. I take pride in my appearance and shamelessly so.
So why do I feel so guilty about worrying what my boobs are going to look like?
The reality is I will be undergoing a double mastectomy with
reconstruction using implants. I will have scars, there is a moderate
possibility I’ll lose my nipples and there is even a small chance that the
reconstruction will fail and I’ll be left without any breasts at all. I'm not
going to lie, all of that scares the crap out of me!
I attended my local BRA (Breast Reconstruction Awareness)
group in February, which is basically a show and tell by extremely brave women
who have gone through breast re-construction. As I walked in to the hospital
room I felt frightened for the first time since hearing the news I’m BRCA2+.
Around 10 ladies were standing there showing their
re-constructed breasts and talking about their experiences of surgery and
recovery. Don’t get me wrong here these women were all beautiful and strong,
but; and I'm going to brutally honest when I say this, I was really upset at
the thought that my boobs would look the way theirs did. Not only was I scared
and upset but I then felt extremely guilty for being so shallow.
I spoke in length to many of the women; most had battled
cancer for years. One lovely lady told me the worst thing about her recovery
was not being able to pick up her children for weeks. I can only imagine how
distressing that was for her however; for me, one of my biggest worries is not
being able to train at the gym for possibly months after my surgery. When I
admitted this to her, she gave me what I can only describe as a look of utter
disbelief and disgust. I left that meeting feeling scared, silly and very
superficial. For a few weeks I seriously considered postponing my surgery to a
time in my life where maybe I wasn't so selfish and didn't care so much about
my appearance and lifestyle.
Since that day I have realised that maybe I was being a bit
hard on myself. Routine and priorities are personal and relative. My lifestyle
will be severely disrupted due to my surgery and I should not feel guilty about
being sad about that.
When I talk to people I know about my surgery or share my
fears about what they’ll look like post-mastectomy, the response is almost
always ‘at least you get new ones’. Yes that is true, I will be having a
reconstruction but they will look scarred and different to what I'm used to. I
have realised that it is okay to have these fears and worries and that it does
not mean that I am vain. I want anyone else in the same situation to not feel
alone in these fears and to be able to relate to this blog.
I view myself as lucky. I'm a hell of a lot luckier than
those women than don’t get a warning and have to battle cancer instead. But I
am still a normal 27-year-old girl and I still have the same fears and concerns
as every other 27-year-old girl and I should not feel guilty about that.
So for now I'm going to keep positive, continue to raise
awareness, keep fighting and hopefully not be so hard on myself. F you breast
cancer, F you 86% chance, you’re not winning this one.
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