Warning! Pity party in progress…

I’ve been putting off writing this post because I was really committed to writing a positive, ass-kicking blog to give other ladies in my situation hope. BUT I also promised to write a true and honest account of the highs and lows of my journey, so here it goes… 

This week has been sh*t, really really f***ing sh*t. I’ve had enough of waiting, I’ve had enough of thinking and dreaming about surgery, boobs, scars and cancer, I’ve had enough of being positive and fighting every single second of the day. I’ve had enough of being strong and I want to hide under my duvet forever and pretend I’m not having surgery and I don’t have an stupidly-high risk of developing breast cancer.

There are a few reasons for this massive lack in positivity. The biggest reason is that I was told my surgery would definitely be within 18 weeks and 15 weeks on I am still no nearer to having a surgery date. I am unable to plan anything and I really feel like my whole my life is on hold. I feel like someone has pressed the pause button on my life and that nothing has any point to it at all.

Mastectomy and the single girl

Another reason is that I am now dealing this as a single girl. I haven’t mentioned this in my last few blog posts as I didn’t want it to matter, but the fact is that it does matter. It matters a f***ing lot. Knowing I had a supportive boyfriend that would love me regardless of scarred and numb ‘foobs’, that would hold my hand in the hospital bed, that would bring me chocolate and flowers, that would still fancy me even though sexy lingerie is being swapped for a mastectomy bra. All of that made whole situation a little less awful.

I also feel really guilty that maybe the break-up is my fault, that all of this is making me an unbearable neurotic lunatic.

Break-ups are horrible, dating in your twenties is hard work, the thought of having to explain to someone new why I have scarred boobs that are completely numb, always cold but with nipples that don’t get erect sounds like a nightmare. Add in the fact, that I’ll have to mention, that I’ll be having my ovaries removed before I’m 40 and you start to understand why I’m freaking out.

I know I have incredible friends and family that will be there for me and I appreciate them more than they’ll ever know. But going through this as a newly single girl really really sucks. 

Sibling Rivalry 

Another reason is very hard to talk about because I’m scared I’ll sound like a heartless cow…. my sister has a surgery date. My sister who was planning on having her surgery next year, who hasn’t had the pre-op appointments that I’ve had, who hasn’t been waiting with bated breath, has a surgery date for the 12th of November.

Please don’t misunderstand me here. I’m extremely happy that my sister has a surgery date and that she can start to move on with her life. It goes without saying I will be there for her BUT I feel jealous. YES JEALOUS. How ridiculous is that?!

It’s made me feel like I’ve been forgotten about and it is really distressing me that I am being left waiting. I just want to get on with my life now. I decided to have a double mastectomy 16 months ago and I’m so fed up of it hanging over me like a big black cloud.

This Pity Party is now closed

I DO NOT want pity, sympathy or anyone to feel sorry for me. I do still realise I’m luckier than a lot of ladies (and men) out there and I will pick myself up again. I’m down but not out. I just felt like I owed it to everyone to give an honest account of how I am feeling.

For all of those ladies out there, in a similar situation, going through the same thing and reading my blog for support; I am a not Super Woman. I hate this, I scream, I shout, I cry, I throw things and I threaten to cancel my surgery. None of this means that I am not a strong person, it is all just part of the journey and everyone is allowed to indulge in feeling sorry for themselves occasionally.

My pity-party has now finished. I am pulling myself out of this hole and keeping my fingers crossed that a new week will bring news.

Love Katie x